The Quiet Work of Unlearning Unhealthy

When you have been subjected to a lifetime of poor behavior in others, it becomes extremely difficult for you to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy.

You haven’t experienced healthy, so you have only an idea of what you think it must be, instead of what it actually is.

Even if you have been shown what healthy actually is, you are so used to unhealthy that it’s just a habitual, daily, unthinking routine for you and easy for you to justify.

When you choose to learn, study, and grow instead, you’re able to step outside the circle.

When you start learning about unhealthy patterns, you give yourself a chance.

The term “gaslighting” did that for me, as I didn’t understand there was reason behind the things that were being done to me.

I was then able to recognize how and where it had affected my life and my way of thinking.

But even in knowing the meaning of this word/action, how it’s done and the effect it has, it’s still difficult to recognize.

Why?

When you live with something for so long, it becomes “normal,” and the healthy way becomes the “wrong” way.

People who gaslight do not want things to change, so they do everything they can to make you feel bad about questioning their actions.

They don’t want to be found out.

Especially because the majority of them are not even aware of it themselves.

They too have lived a life of being surrounded by people with poor behavioral patterns.

You may not see yourself clearly at first, but when you finally do and take responsibility for your part, it shakes those who aren’t ready to face their own behavior.

How can you recognize this then?

Make a commitment to yourself.

Spend time learning those psychological tricks that so many unconsciously play on each other.

Keep reminding yourself to listen and see what’s actually happening, not what you expect to see.

When a pattern shows itself, remember — it’s often unconscious, but sometimes it’s calculated.

Remain aware that you can’t argue your way out of gaslighting or any of the narcissist’s tools.

You leave it behind by knowing what it is and refusing to participate.

Read every day.

Find those articles or books that will show you these things and talk about them.

Steer clear of the ones that defend and support clichéd cultural ideas.

Think outside the box.

Stay loyal to your growth; it’s the one commitment that changes everything.

You don’t have to live in this cycle until the day you die — you can break through your shackles.

~Janice M. Burke