Constructive Or Destructive?

If we never want to hear constructive criticism (note: NOT DEstructive criticism), then we have just lessened our chances of living a healthier and happier life. Of course, many of us will get angry when we hear it and try to block it out. However, if we cannot step away and think about it with depth and sincerity, then we are missing out. 

Going through life, believing that there’s nothing wrong with us but it’s all the other guys fault, is only a revolving cycle of hate. When someone points something out from a place of kindness, it is a loss beyond description if we push it away and do nothing with it but stew in resentment and denial.

How many times have we been in this space of resentment and denial? I know I’ve spent my fair share of time there. The human brain is not constructed to seek out that which is wrong with its own thinking processes. Instead, it is designed to keep a constant lookout for threats. We are mammals after all, we are first and foremost about survival. When we receive constructive criticism or feedback, our brains think it’s a threat. In our process of healing, it’s important to change this. It is essential to work on differentiating when something is a threat and when it’s safe. This is a particular pain point for those of us who have experienced trauma. We were either children who could not leave the situation or adults who were in relationships with toxic people and felt and believed we could not leave (often because of constant gaslighting or perpetual lying, cheating and manipulation.) Listening to constructive criticism while we are in the thick of it requires an openness and an ironclad will. It also requires us to not accept any criticism from the person who is causing the trauma, we are looking for constructive criticism not destructive criticism. There’s such a huge difference. This is a big part of the issue to begin with because the people we most loved or still love have been emotionally and mentally abusive, that is what we consider to be normal. We can’t imagine it being different anywhere we go. We believe that all criticism is destructive. We believe this because the relationships that we have had have “proved” this to us over and over again. So when we meet someone that is kind and that genuinely wants the best for us, we only see and hear what we have been taught to believe is the only thing that exists, that which is destructive to us in general. Learning to understand that there are others in our lives right now who have wonderful intentions for us is a gigantic step forward. For us, it must be one step at a time. It will probably take a while. That’s OK. Rome wasn’t built in a day. We will also find that even when the constructive criticism comes from a safe person, it might not be criticism that can help us, or that is even correct. But if we don’t listen to it, and think it through, we will never know what value we are missing. Asking ourselves these four questions will help us to determine our next steps.

1. If I change this, will it benefit me?

2. Is it kind?

3. Is it true?

4. If I change this, will it benefit others?

Answering all of these questions can be clarifying and help us learn differentiation. I have put them in this order for a reason. We, as trauma survivors have often become people pleasers, so, though it is a very important question, it needs to be the last question. It’s important that we do not decide to change ourselves just to benefit others. Some of us have been doing that all of our lives and it’s something we need to set boundaries around. But when all of the questions are successfully answered, we can differentiate. Once we have done this, we can use this constructive criticism to maximize growth in our healing and skip several years worth of not seeing, accepting or changing these unhelpful patterns in ourselves.

~Janice M. Burke

Image by Anamul Rezwan