Finding Self Reflection In Others

The days of trying” to convince each other that “it’s just a joke” or you can’t take a joke” are over. Recently, I saw someone tell this to a child. “It’s just a joke. It was just a joke.” The pain she had in her voice when she said it was crushing to watch. She knew she could not explain that the cruelty she and her mother wanted to inflict on another had backfired onto her instead, so she took the “easier” route of telling her something that she knew the child could no longer question her about. We know too much now. We can no longer fool ourselves. We can say it, but the pain is there and we feel it and we know why the pain is there now. We didn’t know that before. Do you realize what a huge step forward this is? It’s not an easy step forward, but whoever said it would be? Let’s all try to be patient with ourselves and others. 

When we make the decision to try to be mean or play a cruel “joke” on someone, it’s not going anywhere but right back to the origin. We all must think twice before we do these types of things. Because the pain that we inflict on ourselves and our loved ones in doing this, is immeasurable…immeasurable. Telling this to a child has already inflicted a deep wound. Not just to the child, but the adults involved as well. Speaking of adults, what does that really mean anyway? Because what I see are many people who are at an age where they could call themselves an adult, yet they are acting like cruel little children. Let’s be gentle with each other instead. Find the space of relaying a smile instead of something we will regret later on. Because, I saw the love there, with that young woman and that child. There was so much love that it hurt and only served to confuse the child deeply as to what is and is not ok. The presiding mother of the child and aunt of the young woman was nowhere to be found after the cruel “joke” deed was done, leaving her niece to deal with the remains.

Most often, we have no idea that this is a reflection of ourselves that we are participating in until the damage is done. The fact is that everything and everyone around us is a giant mirror. That’s a tough pill to swallow. Especially when you constantly feel angry at the people around you. What does that mean then? Does that mean that you are like the people who are causing you pain? The mirror is not in the direct way that you are likely thinking of. Instead, the opportunities that come to us are largely opportunities for us to see something about ourselves that we have been missing. 

When these types of things happen (like the young woman and the child), which they do every day, our outer world will always show us what we need to see. This doesn’t happen with an intentional target on our back, yet the energy that you continuously put forth about yourself, others and any situations you are concerned about, has nowhere else to go but to stay within your energy field as it belongs to you. So, the people and situations you are surrounded by become vehicles to show you who you really are. They have no idea that this is happening, just like we have no idea when we are acting as the vehicles for someone else’s energies and thoughts.

Let me give you an example. In one woman’s important relationship in her life, she was being continuously humiliated, degraded, negated, gaslighted, devalued, you name it. Her reaction to this pain served to make her believe she was less than who she was, that she could not trust her own decisions and that she could not go on without her partner telling her what to do because she believed herself incapable of making sound decisions. How then can I say that her world at the time was trying to show her something about herself? How can I say that? You might ask with anger because maybe you relate to this. The mirror doesn’t mean that you are the same as the person that is causing you so much strife. Instead, it means that that person is going to bring up everything in you that are points of pain, weakness and blindness, ie., the very things that need to be seen, understood and transformed by you.

You see, this woman had already grown up in a similar emotional and mental situation. It was easier for her partner to work with the damage he saw in her that perfectly fit the damage he found in himself. Though they were nothing alike, their damaged selves fit together in such a way as to bring it centerstage for the both of them. This is not always the exact way that it happens. Maybe we didn’t grow up in that type of situation. Maybe the shock, pain and disappointment of the excessive manipulation was new to us. In that case, we are still being shown something about ourselves that only we can decipher when we sit down with it. Each situation requires a loosening, it requires us to use our intuition and logic at the same time. It requires us to be so honest with ourselves that we actually feel like we must be wrong. So honest with ourselves that we question our insights because it challenges our view of ourselves and our world. If we do this consistently, the self realization we can glean Is beyond measure. At first, it will feel like we are lying to ourselves about our insights. This is normal as we are questioning our very personalities, our very thoughts and perceptions of the world. We are questioning all that we understand to be “real”. These are the things we hold onto the tightest. Most people live and die by them and choose to never change them lest they must change their whole belief system about the world. This is not an easy route to take, this self realization. But tell me, would you rather this than live the rest of your life miserable from your disappointment in yourself and others? See your reaction to situations, see your thought process behind that, see where it originated from and see why your life has taken you where it has. The first step is the hardest. Like Alice, when she came out of “Wonderland” where people were screaming “off with her head!”, this is the time for us to look behind the looking glass as well, to finally discover our True Self.

~Janice M. Burke

Image from WIX