It's Not Her, It's Not Any Of Them

She lays in bed, watching TV. There is unopened mail, both clean and used tissues, piles of dirty and clean clothes, unwashed food bowls, and notepads and pens strewn across the mattress. The floor is much the same. She says it doesn’t bother her though it certainly doesn’t make her feel good. She sucks down another Diet Pepsi and munches on cheese sandwich crackers. She doesn't like to get up and do much of anything. Her feet hurt too much, she tells herself. She likes this show anyway, she wouldn’t want to miss it.

She is still recovering from the family blowout she had yesterday. There was violence and plenty of words said that could never be retracted, both to her and from her. They deserved it, she tells herself. They never cared about me anyway, she tells herself. She doesn’t cry nonstop or feel so angry when she takes her medication, but she tells herself, “eh…I’m good without that…I don’t need it”. It’s not her fault after all, they are the ones that are messed up, that’s why she is like this, she tells herself. It’s the refrain of everyone in her family, nothing is their fault. It’s no wonder she only wants TV, It’s much calmer that way…she tells herself. She doesn’t need therapy or a life coach, she tells herself…they are just out for money anyway, she tells herself. Besides, she is not the one who needs it, THEY are, she tells herself.