Red Flags Look Like Love When You Were Conditioned To Defend Them

Are you making excuses for someone?

Have the red flags been torn down by you?

You were conditioned to do this by the narcissist. You were taught to protect the abuser with an intensity that defied all the morals that are sacred to you. Later on, this extended to other people in your life. You noticed inconsistencies and bad behavior around you, but you internalized it instead of saying anything about it. Inside, you may have had quite the debate, but defending the abuser often wins out. You can explain away just about anything.

Because you know what their behavior means. But it seems hard to notice. That’s because there’s a deeply embedded reflex of defending the abuser that usually takes precedence, until one day, quietly, without drama — you see them. And then you stop lying to yourself on their behalf.

After that comes the harder part. This will take time for you to get to. It’s not an instant thing that just happens. Other people may think that’s the way it is — and maybe it is that way for them — but for you, you’re going to need to decondition yourself. Because not only will you fear the consequences of your actions, you’ll map out every possibility — every sneaky side action, every version of everyone — and decide silence is safer. But you’ll also see that sometimes you do need to speak up. It will take serious discernment.

At this point, it can be helpful to write down what happened, what you thought about it, and what your internal back-and-forth argument was. Writing by hand helps you process it differently — it connects your right and left brain, so you feel it physically as well. It’s different than just thinking about it. And though you may still not fully process it yet, this will begin to sharpen your discernment and help you get to where you really want to be:

able to weigh what needs to be said and what genuinely does not… instead of what’s easy to suppress.

That moment you stop defending them and start protecting your clarity? That’s the shift.

~ Janice M. Burke

Image by Bernd Dittrich