Smoothing Things Over

Before I began my journey of Emotional Regulation, I had a tendency to lose it relatively often. I would go into fear mode over almost everything I brought up to others. When they had any type of reaction to it, be it being upset or angry, or disappointed, or shocked, or even if they were OK with it, I would be filled with terror that they would hate me. The thought of anyone hating me was completely intolerable. So I would allow my emotions to completely take over the situation. I would apologize excessively, barraging them with “Are you mad at me?” questions. I could not let it go. This was all fear. Fear of loss, fear of being unloved, fear of abandonment. I couldn’t see that it was not the fact that I talked about something that bothered me, i.e. created a boundary, but it was my excessive fear and obsession with smoothing over anything that I felt had ruffled the other person’s feathers. This was normal for me growing up. I was always smoothing things over between my parents and accepting unwarranted blame for things that had nothing to do with me. The volume of insecurity that I experienced was at an extremely high decibel, kind of like when I used to sit next to the speakers at a Black Flag concert. This caused the other person to react from their own hurt child place and a simple ‘clearing the air’ or ‘clarifying needs’ conversation would blow up into a Class A Dramatic Event. All the while I never realized that talking about things that are a concern to me and allowing the other person to have whatever reaction they are going to have is a normal, healthy part of any relationship.

Learning how to be OK with another person‘s reaction to you speaking up for yourself is exponentially important to learn in Trauma Recovery. How does this happen? Well, as almost everything goes back to this same core Truth, it’s all about how you take care of yourself, the Integrity you have in your word to yourself and continuously opening yourself up to your own flaws while being meticulously honest with yourself about them. It’s about you working to change those things you do not like about yourself by doing something scary a few times a week, even if it’s small. These are the things that will eventually make you comfortable in your own skin and comfortable with other people's reactions. Be patient with yourself as this, along with any other Trauma Response, is a difficult thing to see, admit to, and understand. Recovery does not happen all at once, it is one small Realization at a time, one step forward, two steps back. Keep at it, because those two steps back will lessen and your stride will become a stronger, more self-assured one instead.

-Janice M. Burke

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