When Gaslighting Is The Reason

Accustomed to being careless when we are young and having had experienced much mental and emotional abuse, this carelessness often carries into adulthood. The lack of boundaries and the gullibility that situations such as this can cause becomes an ingrained way of thinking. When we find ourselves in a relationship at this point, it is often with a person who is a continuation of the situation we experienced growing up. It can even be worse. We cannot see it at the time because we do not understand what has happened to us yet. When we find ourselves in a relationship like this and we remain unaware, the misery that we experience can feel debilitating. Often, it can be hidden to some degree, especially when our partner trash talks our loved ones until we no longer want to see them. They can gaslight their behavior away as though it doesn’t exist, though we know it does, and we no longer have anyone on our side to tell us we are not imagining it. Our heads spin with guilt and shame that has been expertly manufactured by our narcissistic partner. We blame ourselves for how we feel and what our partner is doing. We do not see that it IS NOT US. This is an important point. Though there is importance in understanding that we have played a role (how can we change ourselves otherwise?), in this case, the first step is not that. The constant gaslighting has already set our minds up to take all the blame. Until we fully see, understand and accept that we have been being gaslighted by a narcissist at different stages of our lives, we will not get past what we have been manipulated to believe. Once we truly understand this, then we can question our own actions and work to weed out and change that which we don’t like, that which does not align with who we see ourselves as and who we want to be. We can then work on following through on our words to ourselves easier and develop our Self-Love by doing so. Though the road to healing from a narcissistic relationship can be a long one, it matters in what order our healing steps come. As long as we don’t try to skip the first step, we will finally begin to see the changes, and all the work will have been worth it.

~Janice M. Burke

Image by Janice M. Burke